Sam Murphy's Ninja Figure, June 2012

Sam's had to slay a very evil monkey called Anorexia Nervosa that has been taunting her since her early teens. Through finding her inner strength and will to be happy, she has successfully slayed that monkey to talk about it today.

In this story Sam chronicles how she came under the spell of the evil monkey and eventually her journey to health and now the path to compete at the Raechelle Chase Fitness Model competition at the NZ Fitness Expo in July.

VITAL STATISTICS

Name: Samantha Murphy (Sam, Smurphy, Spamo or whatever)

Age: 19

Gender: Female

Martial status: SINGLE. YEHAH.

Hobbies: Quidditch, dragon slaying and barbarian monkey wrestling.

Top activity on my Bucket List: Go freebase jumping. If you don’t know what that is, google it.

Some say I’m an old soul, but legally my birth certificate tells me I am at the ripe age of 19, turning 20 in December. I’ve lived in Christchurch all my life but I don’t mean you’re standard family home you have been brought up in. I mean my time in the Church city has consisted of about 13-14 moves. Exciting all the same, but can be exhausting and unsettling.

It’s only in the past few years after completing my final years at high school that I have started reflecting apon and pushing through life’s challenge's - which it has thrown it’s fair share in my 19 year span so far - branching from these challenges, I have allowed myself to gain clarity in other aspects of my life that I may have overlooked. In particular I have become one with finding balance with my body and it’s health, having suffered a long and dangerous battle with an eating disorder as an adolescent, which taught me a lot of valuable lessons and skills.


     
 
Finally I have really hit the nail on the head with my talents. I also have found the ticket to the inspiration train with my design and photography. I have more clarity, more drive and a true vision for the future than ever before. I don’t just create ‘designs’ and ‘photography’. I produce and form a language with my images (you read it, interpret it and form your own perception). Whether you see it on the computer or on a piece of canvas, that control your view-paths, that lead you to the aspects I want you to tap into - the colour, the emotion, the details, the whole package. Stand assured that I will, and always will, be creating work you will never forget.

As I mentioned earlier, I battled with a lot of demons which were catalysts of my own sub-conscious. One of which ended up nearly costing me my life and my relationships dear to me.

I was an Athletic Queen in 3 & 4th form, and thrived of playing tennis, running, dancing, aerobics and any sports I could individually push my limits. Note how I say, Individually. I was and still am very independent. I have my vision, my enjoyment and my time and I enjoy that thoroughly hence why I prefer to keep to exercise as more of a meditation and relaxant as well as blowing steam. In the start of 4th form I felt constantly fatigued, and found myself falling asleep at about 6pm most nights. Mum thought it was slightly odd, and was concerned about my Iron levels as a young girl, so we headed to the doctor. 5 blood tests (eeep) later, they finally pinpointed my fatigue to Glandular Fever.

Here’s a brief over-view of my story and battle with, The Monkey on my Shoulder.

No sport, No exercise, Nothing but lazy rest for 6 - 8 weeks. Now, to some this sounds like the ideal little holiday away from life, but for me, all hell broke lose. The wee monkey that was locked up in the dungeon in my sub-conscious broke free of his cage. Escaping on a madman whirlwind journey through to my central being. The monkey, is known today as - Anorexia Nervosa.

At mark one I began to limit my food intake to try and counter balance the fact that I was not ‘meant‘ to be doing exercise. Seems logical, right? Nope. I still exercised, and it starting to become habitual to do it in secret - When mum went to clean the neighbors house, when everyone was still asleep or in the shower.. Something compelled me to stress and exhaust my body for no reason apart from.. “You cannot get fat from not exercising”.

It was a very mixed battle for those coming months and I kept going about the restrictive routine and exercise habits. After a week or two I noticed my clothes were starting to get a bit loser and I enjoyed the feeling of my legs being a bit ‘lighter‘.

This feeling was one that started to feed the monkey. As if I was chucking it bananas. “Keep going, Keep going, Try feel lighter - you will feel like this all the time” Lies. Lies. Lies. That’s the thing with Anorexia. You know the photo’s, the ones all over the magazines with the movie starts wearing there gaping bones and emancipated frames - it’s sick right? But that’s all you see - The gross exterior, which is nothing to justify what is the never-ending, sadistic and self-corrupting labyrinth the Monkey controls and at the point of the maze you are in - you feel you will never find your way out.

The Monkey suffocates your soul - it surrounds and tightens its power around every aspect of your life and keeps your searching for an escape, keeps you grasping for the freedom you took for granted.

Whilst battling with Glandular, I had no idea of what was happening or the fact my sub-conscious has been twisted & manipulated profusely to become obsessive and habitual in dangerous routine. Simply because, I thought I had no other options.

Until, outside comments starting pouring in to the family. I went to the GP for a check-up and he was astonished at the weight I’d lost, as I was already quite slim (weighing in around 52 originally). I had shadowed away to 48.2kg. I didn’t see a problem with that, but I heard the doctor make a side note to my mum - ‘Keep an eye on her‘

I was obsessive, and oblivious. I would look at my reflection in ANYTHING - mainly shop mirrors etc to check how my legs looked. Not showing my kneecaps or not skinny enough? Then, Monkey would lay his punishments before me and I’d have to suffer the feeling of failure, dissatisfaction and a sense of no hope. I would exercise, exercise and exercise to make him stop hounding me.

The monkey had been caught red handed - but he was not going to run away and leave me alone, he would use his dark power to fight back. His fight was like a heavy, suffocating blanket of hatred and regret, guilt and pain.

I was to be an inpatient at Princess Margaret Hospital in the Eating Disorders unit the very next morning. These big words - big words that I didn't want to be a reality, were going to be placed in front of me and I knew I would have to be forced to do things the Monkey was not going to like.

I don’t want to embark on an in-depth discussion of my darkest months being succumbed by the illness, as I will never be able to summarize it down, to convey the horror and loneliness. Plus I will run out of room writing here with my rambling! (woooopsies!!)

Whenever I went to have my daily drink, I would be sitting there sipping away at an empty carton until I handed it to Dad to shake and check I had finished. “Sucker!”

Eventually, Dad discovered they were all empty and the Monkey was raging, I was upset and felt I had let myself and my family down. The lack of self worth was brewing.

The Monkey will do anything to fool the outsiders into thinking you are not sick or are gaining weight - I put rocks wrapped in glad-wrap down my bra for weigh ins, I’d wear my heaviest clothing, Belts, 3 jackets, layers of jeans, anything that would add a couple of grams.

Your CSI-like solutions, secretive actions and plans and dark nature is that similar to a serial killer - nobody knows, yet it is such a scary and dangerous experience. And, my parents - well, they became the detectives. Eye-hawking my every move, every mouthful and a majority of the time they’d catch me exercising in secret. Their full-time job during my diagnosis was to catch the Monkey in the act.

My lowest point of weight was 37kg. (I am 160cm - teeny tiny). I was nothing. No clothes would fit. I was a walking skeleton, my 10 year old brother weighed more than me. I would describe it as being confined to your death bed, you are lying in agonizing pain waiting for your heart to close it’s book. I was waiting, I was scared. I would lie in bed at night and my body would ache, my bones were brittle, my heart would skip beats and beat uncontrollably and I found it difficult to breath. My body was eating way at itself in order to try and scrape up some nutrients to survive - yet, it was using my vital organs for energy.

I would undergo regular therapy sessions with a lovely psychologist, Rachel, 1 on 1. There were family sessions with another lady - I hated these, I felt like I was being interrogated. And then I would have my med stats, including heart readings through the roof, weigh in, height and blood pressure readings. Walking down the hallway or even the transition from seated to standing could have given me cardiac arrest.

The most common question I get asked is, ‘What made you want to get better?’

This is a tricky question, but it’s not WHAT made me get better its WHY I wanted to get better. My conscience starting putting up a fight with this Monkey. That little lion called Courage was still searching for his way out.

I wrote a list of all the simple things I had removed from my life and wanted back one night. It contained things such as, Green milk, Special K Cereal, Sushi Balls, Running, Aerobics... all the things I took for granted. I would receive messages from my boyfriend at the time (whom did not grasp the full understanding of my situation) He said to me one evening, “I want the old Sam back..” - The lump that sat in my throught was covered in spikes and shards of glass. What the heck was I doing.

Seeing the effect it was having on people who cared for me was quite a blow to the head. One night at our scheduled 6pm family dinner, I caught dad staring at me with these horrified eyes. When the table had cleared, he called me over. I sat on his lap, well, the remains of me did anyway. My bones dug into his comforting warmth and he looked at me with a look I will never forget. “Where is my daughter?” I’d never seen dad so torn, so it really hit home that night.

Sam was there, somewhere. I wanted to live. Not die because of my own weakness and self destruction. This is when I took the small steps to weakening the Anorexia - I had to become smarter, stronger and keep reminding myself of the joys and luxuries that are normal everyday things that would fall back into my lap if I kept to the speed limit on recovery lane.

4 years later, I have slipped through 2 relapses, not so severe but still the obsessive routines would pop back up and I’d become lapsed to a schedule that I couldn’t break.

2012 started with a blow to the head and wake-up call with my current relationship at the time, and it also awakened me to accept what I had been through and finally rid me of that self-eating Monkey. The Monkey has not got the power anymore. I am in charge of the direction I take with my fitness and health, and I make my nutrition decisions.

If anything, I probably love food a little too much. But that’s fine - because I can now ENJOY food. Instead of be afraid of the calorie content and how it was going to suction to my legs in seconds and turn them into fat stumps. (Ridiculous concept I know, but it was horrifying)

MY RECOVERY.

I believe the mind is the most powerful, yet corruptive tool known to human . And if you have got the courage to explore it, the guts to challenge it. The intelligence to control it and the creativity & trust to use it to it’s desired potential. You will be able to overcome any obstacle and pluck from it the lessons you need to remind yourself, and others.

Those little mistakes are the pins in your skin that say “Don’t do that again!”. For me, Anorexia was more like a saw, sawing through my soul and I lost who I was. I was battling a controlling spirit that was a catalyst created by MY own spirit - I had no choice but to trust it, because I thought it was me

IS THERE A CURE.

There is no set answer as to how you cure Anorexia, My belief is that this illness is brought upon girls in order for them to dig underground and excavate the courage they overlooked, which helps you allow your heart to fight for what you believe in - yourself.

To weaken the Monkey, to strip it of it’s nutrients that are fed to it through the guilt and hatred, you need to remove all outside distractions, you need to tune in and really pin point your true values, WHY do I want to live, WHY do I want my body to be healthy?

My answer was, because I want to remember and feel happiness. Not pain. Not a simple smile and a reassuring thought that you are in a good mood today, but that feeling when your words and thoughts work in harmony, and seem to construct themselves in such an angelic way, everyone you speak to you feel deserves your hearty warmth in your words, because this is what channels to everyone.

Everything you hear, everything spoken is processed to the listener. That happiness and warmth you share, will expand its network, and the energies surrounding all of us are more at ease.

Now, I know that sounds all waffly waffly and loopy, talking about energy. But with my experiences in the past, I have now learnt that the mood I choose to be in, radiates as an energy - EVERYONE around you feels those frequencies. If you’re pissed off, they question you.

If you’re happy, they want to be around you. If you’re sad, close ones concern and care for you. These reactions between two bodies are simply put in place to meet that chemical balance of ecstasy and content.

FOOD RELATIONSHIPS: The Good and The Bad

A lot of close friends and family of mine have delved into a less severe type of ED.

Binge eating, laxative abuse and purging are topping the list.

I have never forced myself to purge, as I can’t stand spewing. It just reminds me of nights where Tequila didn’t want to sit still.

There are a lot of approaches as to how you help aid these habits and how you put in place productive techniques to diminish and rid them from your life.

If you are suffering or finding Food and Eating a struggle, feel free to confidentially contact me :) I don’t have a big fancy degree, but I have enough experience and confidence in what I have learnt, that I can help you find some tools that will make recovery and creating normal routines feel less like therapy, and more like a friendship and a trust base to run back to when times get rough.

9. You're going to compete in Raechelle Chase's fitness model comp at the expo, how are you approaching this competition given your past history and associations with ‘diets’

I’ll tell you now, I really dislike the word diet. The word itself said DIEt. Each body reacts different to different foods and forms a ‘yum’ or ‘bleargh’ reaction. What I tend to do it take foods that I have always trusted, or either grown or purchased locally.

I take the ‘yum’ ones, and I remove the ‘bleargh’ ingredients (sugars, fats, the naughtys!!) and subsititue them with alternatives that 99% of the time keep the recipe looking the same, with the same texture and if not, tastes even better!!!

I’ve cleaned up my meals for these last weeks leading up to comp to allow my hard work to show, but I wont be getting to lean. I look best when I have my shape, and my muscle. I am bringing to this competition my energy.

My look is just a counterpart, but I plan to step on that stage in a condition that is consistent, maintainable and healthy. I do understand the judges are obviously seeking for a certain look, but, I’m absolutely blessed to have the chance to stand on stage and promote myself and what I believe in.

I’m so excited to introduce myself to all the other girls and Raechelle and her team. Some big opportunities on the table for EVERY girl entering, everyone will be watching us strut our stuff, so shake yo bootay!

You're now working at fitness canterbuy, what has being around people in the health and fitness lifestyle done for your own self esteem and self belief?

Fitness Canterbury is pretty much a second home to me (seeing as a majority of my stuff has made a home there haha - sorry Scotty)

There are lots of new exciting things coming for Fit Canty, but it’s all top secret - so if you are not a member already you will have to come and hurry up and join!!!

Help is only mouth’s stretch away, but the harsh reality is - when burdened by this cloud are blind sighted to this, and forget that there are so many people that we have influenced that will have meaningful words to pass onto you - and they pass these on with reason, and the reason will find you because life is far to precious to waste without experiencing the heat of the sun on your skin.

Don’t strive to “look like that” or to “run as fast as that”. There will always be someone who may come screaming past your goals, and you are left with a loss of direction and a burn in confidence.

Come to your workouts with an open mind, and fill the canvas with the FIRST emotion you get when your sweat beads start trickling. The canvas will explode with an awesome feeling of release and pleasure, and determination for you are one workout closer to your goals.

If you don’t change, then you won’t grow. If you don’t grow, then are you really living?

Love to all,

Sam.

p.s we are glad to say that Sam is now at a healthy 60kg and has left her 37kg body behind forever!